The Me of Then and Now

A profound deep perspective on Making Peace with the past, with guilt and shame and More, and also, it's about Change and Resolution.

An Aspirant said to LiMo,"I have been thinking...."
LiMo waited,"..."

The Aspirant looked away,

away, into the depths.

The depths of self,

the depths of the Universe:

"I have been thinking.

Thinking about my past actions and behaviours.

About those actions,

and behaviours,

which were less than desirable.

About my actions,

which were silly,

stupid,

crazy.

And I ask:

'Who was it,

who did those things?'"

"Yes, who?"

LiMo wanted to know.

Earnestness poured from the Aspirant:

"I cannot say,

in all honesty,

that it was I.

The me I now know,

is not the Me-of-Then,

is not the me,

who did those things.

I am now,

different.

A different person.

I cannot relate,

relate to the person of then."

"And likewise,

I can only look at those actions,

those behaviours,

with a kind of detachment.

And I realize,

they were:

lack of awareness.

No more,

no less."

"Could I do the same now?

No!

I cannot.

I could not.

It is incomprehensible now.

For me,

anything,

even remotely similar,

impossible.”

“That was then.

A different me,

in different Times.

A different me,

in different Circumstances.

A different me,

with different Awareness.

A different me,

with different Perspective.

I am different now.

A different me."

"I feel differently now.

think differently,

understand differently.

My values are still the same.

I was,

not a bad person,

then.

I am,

not a bad person,

now.

I did silly things,

I did stupid things.

Even maybe,

horrid things.”

“How was this possible?

Lack of awareness.

Also,

motivations.

Also,

Immersion.

Immersion into bubbles.”

“I had motivations then.

I had goals then,

false goals.

Goals and motivations,

based on,

again,

lack of awareness.

Goals and motivations,

hooked,

hooked to the prevailing conventionality.

Goals and motivations,

not really mine.

A dire reminder to myself.

A reminder,

to be True.

A reminder,

to be True,

to be True to myself alone."

"I,

back then,

got caught up in bubbles of awareness.

I got caught in immersions.

Immersions into the moment.

That was powerful.

And looking back,

scary.”

“Reason and logic,

and sensibility,

went away.

 They went away,

when,

when I get too caught,

too caught in a moment,

in a bubble.

I saw only,

the relative logic,

the logic of the near-term.

I saw only,

the immediate.

I could only see,

see the inside of the bubble.”

“And when I disconnected,

from the whole,

my decisions,

inevitably,

ridiculous and foolish.

But they seemed sensible,

to me,

in those moments!

They were disconnected decisions.

Disconnected decisions,

are doomed decisions.

The powerful lesson for me:

I must Maintain Perspective!

Always!

Always,

I must,

Always I must Maintain my Perspective."

"There is,

almost,

no connection,

between now and then.

Except a memory.

A reminder,

a reminder I can be foolish.

A reminder,

to pay attention,

A reminder,

to consider,

everything.

A reminder,

to act deliberately,

in full awareness.

A reminder,

to be Appropriate!

To be Appropriate,

in *all* contexts.

This is essential.

The memories have value,

only,

for Learning and Growth.

The memories are reminders.

Reminders,

of the pitfalls,

of the pitfalls of lack of Awareness.

They are tools,

tools to Leverage myself.”

I cannot,

now,

connect to those emotions,

those emotions of my past actions.

I am,

simply,

not that person any longer.

And never,

never,

never will I be that person again!"

LiMo reflected,

"When you are always moving forward,

the Universe is saying,

'Take notice.

Take notice of how hard this moment is working,

how hard it is working,

to prove to you,

that this moment is different.

…look for what is different.'"

The Aspirant responded:

"Yes!

It says:

'Pay Attention to *this,*

 *now!*

The Perfection is Now!!!

*You,*

you are Now!

Not then.

The You-of-Then,

died,

a long time ago.

The You-of-Now,

is all that matters.

The You-of-Now,

is all that *Can* matter!!'"

"As I reflect,

on,

the Me-of-Now.

As I reflect,

on,

the different Me's-of-Then.

I realize,

that there is no continuity!

This is profound.

I need,

I need to update myself.

Update my perception,

of myself.

I need,

I need to update,

I need to update my perspective,

on myself.

I need,

I need a Conception,

a Conception-of-Me makeover.

I,

I can no longer,

I can no longer regard myself,

in the ways,

in the ways I have become habituated to.

My self-image,

my self-image is rooted,

is rooted in the past,

connected to the past.

And,

it is inaccurate.

Grossly inaccurate.

It has little semblance,

to the Me,

to the Me-of-Now.

There is power in this."

"And I realize,

I realize the me,

the me that did those things,

in the past,

is a ghost!

A ghost that has no power,

no power to harm.

Ghosts are insubstantial,

by definition.

Their only power,

lies in Ideas.

Ideas we have about them.

Ideas that are empty fears.

And I refuse,

I refuse to do that with a past.

A past,

that is no longer relevant,

with a me,

that does not exist.

With any me,

that cannot ever exist again."

The Aspirant straightened.

The Aspirant's posture,

filled with Positivity.

A slight sadness,

escaped,

fleeing,

fleeing the coming sobriety:

"Be gone ghosts!

You have no power,

over me.

Be gone faded ghosts,

of past me.

You have no power.

Be gone,

you ghosts,

you ghosts of previous me.

You have no power.

You have no power.

You have no power over, the Me-of-Now!"

The End

***

Excerpted from: The Writing of LiMo - A Book of the Biella Series.

#BiellaSeries #SelfAwareness #PerspectiveShifting #MeOfNow #MeOfThen #Poetry #SpokenWord #LettingGoOfThePast #LifeChange